Almost Lover
by PrincessOfUtopia
Summary: Warning: Incest & Jimitri slash. "When Jim Hawkins loses his mother and is left orphaned, he is adopted into the Russian Tsar family. Dimitri, the young prince immediately takes to Jim as his little brother and as the years pass, their bond grows inseparable. What neither the two of them nor their family ever suspected was that their relationship would develop far beyond brotherly"
1. Chapter 1 Beloved Brother

_Written by Florry, more known as (PrincessOfUtopia) together with my flawless co-writer and homie Nita (AnitaChristensen) ;D_

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_It's funny how people say that memories fade. They're supposed to, right? Just like time is supposed to heal all the wounds and turn them into pale scars? Well I can tell you that it's nothing but a filthy little lie people tell themselves because they can't stand knowing that the pain they're going through is going to follow them every second, every day, for the rest of their lives._

_Once upon a time I told myself that that lie was true, because I wanted to believe in it so badly. What other options did I have? But I can't believe. Not anymore…_

_I really did think that I could suppress this. The aching of my heart that tells me I miss you so badly. The picture I always see in the back of my head before I finally fall asleep. I tried everything to make it go away. I tried to find something else to hold on to, anything else. I tried to see if I could make my life meaningful again by helping people. That has meaning, right? Helping others? But it just felt hopeless to try and save others when the only person I ever truly cared about was you. And I screwed it up. I know that now. I just wish I could get a second chance, somehow heal the pain I've inflicted on you and just hope, no, pray that you'd miraculously forgive me. But who am I kidding? That's selfish as fuck. But I guess that's the only thing I'm good at, the only thing I know how to do._

Dimitri Sudayev took a deep breath before he finally found the courage to raise his hand and knock on the old oak door of the Benbow Inn. His heart was caught in his throat as he desperately tried to stop his hands from shaking.

_This is it. There's no going back now._

He held his breath and waited for what felt like a lifetime until he heard the scraping noise from a chair being pushed out, followed by steps.

_Is that him? Just on the other side of this door?_

The door was slightly opened by a young man with soft-looking dark brown hair dressed in a black t-shirt and a greyish worn leather jacket. His deep dark blue eyes widened in shock as they looked up to meet Dimitri's. For a moment neither of them spoke, they just stood there, staring at their past in silence as the rain and the darkness surrounded them.

"Dimitri?", Jim finally gasped, almost inaudibly as he grabbed the inn door so hard his knuckles turned white.

Dimitri smiled faintly and shifted his weight.

"Hi Jim", he said after a short pause.

_Hi? Is that really all you've got, after 2 years of all those things you've wanted to say to him? "Hi?!"_

Jim shook his head in disbelief.

_No… It can't be him… This can't be happening._

"Wh-What are you doing here?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

Damn it. Why was he so god damn nervous? This was Dimitri, whom he'd grown up together with. Jim cleared his throat.

"I mean… What are you doing here, and in the middle of the night, aren't you… Cold?", he asked, this time he sounded more like himself again.

_Nice recovery._

Jim's question and the sound of sincere concern in his voice caught Dimitri completely by surprise. To be entirely honest with himself, he'd expected Jim to smack the door shut in his face. Dimitri smiled again, this time a little more confident. This might actually work out.

"Well, I am a little cold. And it's not exactly the middle of the night just yet."

Jim silently studied Dimitri out of the corner of his eye as his brother sat down at one of the wobbly tables at the inn.

He was paler and skinnier. And the hair that used to be so neatly combed was shorter and messier than before. But he still had that same warm smile and those sparkling green eyes that made Jim's heart flutter every time they looked at him.

It was so crazy and overwhelming to see Dimitri again, to have him standing there in the same room, just a couple of feet away. If Jim dared to reach out and touch him he wouldn't slip away or disappear the way he always did in his dreams.

His dreams, the only place where he'd seen his brother for the past two years…

"It's like… A lifetime ago", Dimitri said as he cupped his hands around the cup of hot coffee Jim had handed him.

Jim nodded. He was too busy trying to contain all his feelings and questions to actually think of something to say. There were so many things he wanted to ask his brother, but he didn't know where to begin.

"How's mom and dad?" he asked carefully.

"They're fine I guess… They miss you…"

"What, they ordered you to try and bring me back?" Jim grinned.

Even though he was just joking and tried his best to sound easy-going, his stomach was knotting itself as he waited for Dimitri's reply. He really wished for his brother to reply "no", he wanted him to say that wasn't why he'd come to the inn tonight.

Dimitri couldn't help but laugh, and Jim smiled sadly as he felt his heart start aching again. God, how he'd missed Dimitri's laughter.

"Yeah like _that_ would work", Dimitri chuckled. "If that was the case I would've just told them that you do whatever you want, just like you always have".

Jim smiled but quickly turned serious again.

"So why did you?" he asked.

The seriousness in that question changed the atmosphere in the room in the matter of seconds. Jim could hear the throbbing of his heart in his ears and it made him feel sick. The moment of silence that passed while he waited for his brother to say something felt like forever.

"Because… I needed to know you were okay", Dimitri mumbled and looked down at his cup.

It wasn't all a lie, he _had_ been extremely worried about Jim. But it wasn't what he'd originally planned to say either.

_To know you were okay._

Jim felt his heart drop to the floor and he suddenly felt so heavy, it was almost like his legs just wouldn't carry him.

_To know you were okay._

Those words hit Jim like a wall to his head and he was surprised to realize that they sounded so wrong. That wasn't at all what he'd hoped Dimitri would say. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, the disappointment of Dimitri´s answer choked the last bit of faint hope Jim had kept in his heart for those two years.

"Is that it? Is that the only reason why you came back?" he asked without even bothering to try and hide the anger and hurt in his voice.

Seeing Jim like this broke Dimitri's heart the way it always did whenever he saw his brother in pain. And he cursed himself for being the reason why. And for even coming here in the first place when he'd known all along that he probably shouldn't. And somewhere in his heart, he scolded himself for not being able to tell Jim the real reason of his return.

"No it's not… I'm sure you had enough on your shoulders before I came here, messing everything up again", he sighed heavily.

Jim didn't reply. He didn't know what to say not to hurt Dimitri's feelings, but on the other hand, he had to protect himself, too. The way Dimitri slouched over the table, holding the cup in his hands made Jim remember all those times Dimitri had cupped his hands around his own and softly kissed them. He only longed to wrap his arms around Dimitri, tell him he forgave him for everything that'd ever happened between them. But that was just a stupid Cinderella story, a happily ever after which he knew they could never have. And even if he did tell Dimitri he forgave him, would he really mean it? There was a lot to forgive and he didn't know for sure whether he would ever be ready for that and actually feel okay about it. He chose to protect himself against Dimitri. He couldn't fall to him again. Not this time around, that would mean those two years he'd spent alone would be all for nothing. He had to be strong tonight.

"Don't mention it. It's not a problem. I was actually wondering how you were doing, too"

Jim used the same way of talking casually as Dimitri just had when he said he wanted to know if Jim was okay. But the way Dimitri looked up at him with hopelessness and hurt shining in those gorgeously expressive eyes, Jim almost couldn't make himself say more.

"Jim, I... I came back because... I..."

"Because you what?"

Dimitri buried his face in his hands and sighed again. Jim rolled his eyes impatiently and sighed too.

"You know what, you drink your coffee, I'll go get some air," Jim said and turned around to leave.

"Jim wait!" Dimitri called and grabbed Jim's hand, trying to prevent him from walking away. _Again._

_Please stay. Don't leave me again._

Jim stopped immediately and looked down at Dimitri's fingers that brushed his in a careful caress and almost as if it came naturally to them both, their fingers slowly intertwined. He looked up and found himself staring directly into Dimitri´s green eyes, so close to him he could feel his warm breath against his lips.

Dimitri carefully reached forward and touched Jim's cheek. Jim's mouth was formed like a little o, like he wanted to ask Dimitri what he was doing but he didn't. Instead he slowly leaned forward and Dimitri held his breath as he realized that they were now so close their lips were almost touching. He could almost taste the kiss that his heart had craved and yearned ever since the first time their lips had touched.

_Please… Please, please, please_, he silently prayed, and even though no words left his lips, Jim seemed to have heard his prayer. For just one moment later Jim removed the last distance between them and found Dimitri's lips in an intensive kiss.

Dimitri immediately kissed him back, hungry for more as he pressed his body against Jim's. He wished he could stop time right there in that perfect moment when their hearts and lips melted together as one.

Jim buried his fingers into Dimitri's hair and played around with the curls at the back of his neck as he pushed himself deeper and harder into the kiss. Kissing Dimitri again was such an overpowering feeling; He felt wide awake and dizzy at the same time, almost like being caught somewhere in the middle of reality and a blissful dream.

Dimitri let out a little moan of pleasure as Jim's lips kissed him along his jaw, down towards his neck. He wanted more and his hands started exploring Jim's broad shoulders and muscular back.

_You were always the one person I was meant to be with._

"I love you", Dimitri suddenly whispered. "I love you".

It was true. He loved Jim like he'd loved no one else. In fact he didn't even think he'd known what "love" was before he'd fallen for Jim. And did this kiss confirm that Jim still, after everything that they'd been through felt the same? Dimitri couldn't help but get his hopes up as it felt like his heart was on the verge of exploding of love.

Jim's heart completely stopped for a second before it started beating twice as fast. It felt like the whole room was spinning. Had Dimitri, after all this time actually said "I love you"? Had he actually said it or was it just something Jim had imagined?

At first Jim just wanted to return those words back to Dimitri. In fact he wanted to scream them out loud for the whole world to know, but then he remembered what he'd thought earlier today about protecting himself. The road back to his painful past was slippery.

He wanted to go out there and give love a second chance but he couldn't. The wounds of the past had stopped bleeding, but they hadn't healed. In fact Jim didn't think they ever would. He couldn't just go running into this mess again, he'd already spent too many sleepless nights crying himself to sleep over this.

Their love was as beautiful and overwhelming as painful and tormenting, and his heart was still too fragile and sore. He wasn't ready for love. At least not tonight.

It hadn't always been like this though. Once upon a time Jim would've gladly accepted Dimitri's love without any second thoughts, but that hadn't gotten him anywhere. He'd barely survived the first time he'd forced himself to rip out everything that reminded him of Dimitri, he had no idea if he could take it a second time.

With these smothering thoughts in his mind Jim pushed away Dimitri and broke the kiss between them.

"Jim?"

Jim had turned away, he was standing bent over one of the inn tables, breathing heavily for the kiss they'd just shared had been totally oxygen missing.

"Just go…"

His words hit Dimitri like a punch in the stomach. He feverishly searched his mind trying to find the answer to why Jim had pulled away so suddenly, if it was because of anything that he'd done or said.

When Jim looked up again there was no affection or love in his eyes anymore, only coldness. Dimitri didn't know what to do, he looked footed and he desperately tried to think of something to say.

"Jim, I…"

"Just leave me alone!" Jim hissed as he turned around with eyes flashing of anger.

When Jim saw the confusion and hurt expression on Dimitri's face he immediately regretted his outburst. Damn it, he'd been with his brother for less than 20 minutes and already had feelings he'd tried so hard to suppress like anger and guilt returned. And love.

"Please just go Dimitri…", Jim whispered in a breaking voice.

"Okay… I'm sorry Jim", Dimitri mumbled as he got up to walked away.


	2. Chapter 2 Promise

_My brother and I we grew up in a world of our own, protected by an invincible wall towards the rest of the world. I know that it might sound like it was very lonely, but it wasn't. He was the best playmate and big brother in the world and simply everything I could possibly ask for. I really do hope that he felt the same about me, at least for a little while._

"Stop moving around or else you're gonna expose us!" Jim hushed as he bit his lip hard to prevent himself from laughing.

"I can't, my leg's fallen asleep", Dimitri grunted.

He tried his best to stay still inside the narrow closet among all the thick coats, but it was impossible. The tickling feeling in his sleeping leg was killing him and he just had to move.

"I can see him", Jim whispered, his voice filled with wonder as he was peeping out the little keyhole in the closet. "But wasn't he supposed to have a beard or something? Dimitri I thought-"

Jim didn't get any further before Dimitri accidentally elbowed him in the stomach while trying to shift over his weight from his sleeping leg. Jim lost his balance and fell head first out the closet and on to the floor in the private conference room.

"Shit…"

"Jim are you alright?", Dimitri chuckled as he stumbled out the closet after his brother.

Jim was laying on stomach on the floor, glancing up towards the room filled with middle aged old men, all dressed in formal black suits. And at the end of the long table was their father standing, furrowing his brows in annoyance.

"I'm fine", Jim mumbled as he got up and brushed off his knees.

"Excuse me gentlemen, if you'd please step outside for a moment while I take care of my sons", Tsar Nicoklaus said.

"Oh we're in trouble now", Dimitri smiled.

"What do you mean 'we'?"

Dimitri turned around and saw that Jim already was halfway out the backdoor with a smirk on his face.

"Oh no, don't you dare abandon me you little rascal!", Dimitri laughed as he dragged a laughing and screaming in protest Jim back to the conference room where their father waited for them with his arms folded over his chest.

Both Dimitri and Jim stopped laughing instantly and instead looked down at the floor in silence as they saw the look on their father's face. The Tsar gave them the silent treatment for what felt like an eternity before turning towards his older son.

"Dimitri!", he barked angrily. "How many times haven't I told you and your brother not to spy on my clients?"

Dimitri looked footed as he nervously started chewing on his lower lip. He didn't like getting scolded at, especially not in front of Jim.

"It's not his fault!", his brother protested. "We were just checking up on the enemies to see if there was any risks our treasures would be in danger"

Their father turned around with his brows furrowed even more. He was used to his children always defending one another whenever they got into trouble - which was more often than not - and for them to apparently speak a language of their own.

"What _are_ you talking about?"

"That guy, whom you call John Silver, he's actually a pirate, and he's been after Dimitri and my secret treasure", Jim explained, his blue eyes sparkling with determination and excitement. "And now he's probably out there looking for it right this moment because Dimitri and I aren't keeping an eye on him"

Dimitri bit his lip to not burst out laughing. It was hilarious the way Jim always was so to dedicated and engaged to their plays. Their father just stared at Jim, completely speechless before turning towards his older son again.

"Dimitri…!"

This time father's eyes really weren't to play with.

"What?", Dimitri shrugged as he put on his most innocent smile.

"Mr. John Silver is a very respected man and not a pirate! It's very wicked of you boys to go around, saying things like that", their father scolded. "And Dimitri stop lying your brother full of childish nonsense. Now get out of here, I have this whole mess to clean up after you two"

Dimitri felt a bitter taste in his mouth as he clenched his fists. "… full of childish nonsense". Why did their father always take everything so seriously? Couldn't he see that they were just kids who wanted to have some fun? They'd never meant to disturb his precious meeting, they just wanted to take a better look at John Silver and his famous eye-patch.

"That was awesome, I can't wait to do it again!", Jim exclaimed in joy as he was skipping out of the conference room.

Dimitri smiled. Jim's toothless smile and sparkling eyes made it impossible for him to be angry, even at his father.

"What, you're not afraid of getting into trouble or being lied up with childish nonsense?" he grinned.

Jim laughed as he punched Dimitri playfully on the arm.

"It's not nonsense, silly. Don't be angry with him, he just doesn't understand this", Jim replied and wrapped his arms around Dimitri's legs, for he was still to little to reach up to his waist.

Dimitri couldn't help but smile as he carefully patted his brother on his had.

"You're right, he just doesn't understand this"

_I know that it may sound impulsive and stupid to simply adopt a kid into your family like he's some sort of a pet. But the truth is that, to me, Jim was like family a long time before the adoption. His mother, Sarah Hawkins, was a servant at the royal palace and also my nanny growing up. I think that I'll always think of her as my mom in my heart, as she was practically the only one who raised me. Let's just say that my parents weren't exactly the child-loving type. Not that they ever defaulted me in any way, I just don't think they would've gotten a son if it wasn't expected of them to one day produce an heir to the throne._

_And of course, they were at all times very busy with everything from royal duties to their social life among the elite, so that's why they hired Sarah to take care of me. She was known for being good with children and she'd been working for us for many years so my parents really trusted her._

_She died in a tragic accident when Jim was eight and I was eleven, so sometimes Jim asks me stuff about her because he barely owns any own memories of her at all. It feels so unfair somehow that I got to spend time with her, but he didn't._

_He doesn't remember his real father either, but from what I've understood he's not anything worth remembering. He abandoned Sarah when he found out she was pregnant, took off without a word._

_But Sarah didn't need him, she was one hell of a single mom and more of a parent to me those eight years we had together than my real parents ever were to me during my entire life. I know that I should probably feel sad over that I didn't get to spend so much time with my parents, and maybe even angry at them for not making more time for me, but somehow I can't wish to trade my childhood with Sarah and Jim for anything. I loved being with them, being part of their family._

_So yeah, Jim was like family to me long before the adoption. But of course all of that was amplified when we became brothers and started living together under the same roof._

_Before all of that, Jim and Sarah had lived in a house just a couple of blocks away. Sarah Hawkins was one of the few servants who didn't live at the palace. And I can't blame her; my home was always so full of people and she wanted to raise her son in a quieter place. I knew the way there because she had taken me there more than once._

_I remember the day of the accident, even if it has become a bit of a blur to me over the years. My parents came in and told me Sarah had passed away that morning when she was on her way over here. She'd fallen down the stairs._

_I remember how my heart froze with terror and the first thing that came to my mind was; what was going to Jim now when his mom was gone? How would he ever get over the sorrow of being totally orphaned and what would the official authorities do to him now that he didn't have either of his parents around anymore?_

_I ran out the palace and just headed down towards their house, even though my parents had told me thousands times that I wasn't allowed to go out by myself. My father is a very powerful man, and he'd made some enemies over time, so that's why they never let me out by myself without at least two guards to accompany me. It may sound cool but it really It may sound cool but it really isn't. They're just super-stiff and suspicious all the time, and they just make you nervous. Not cool._

_But in that very moment, I really couldn't afford to care. I ran out and bumped into various people on the street. Some of them screamed after me but I barely noticed them, all I could think was that I had to see Jim. Right away._

_Sarah's house was a complete mess and I was pushed and shoved around by various adults. But among all of those people, I was only looking for one person and this one person was nowhere to be found. After a while I was exhausted and so stressed out I was having a stomachache. I was ready to give up and thought that maybe they'd had already taken him away, maybe I were too late…_

_I did one last try, however, and ran upstairs, hoping that maybe he was hiding from the crowds in his room. I was right; he was sitting on his bed, curled up in a ball and completely pale. When I burst in the door, he looked up and I don't ever think I'll forget the way he looked at me that time; his beautiful sky blue eyes were completely empty and glassy._

_We were both completely silent for a minute, but there was no need for any words to be spoken, for the next second he'd jumped off the bed and run straight into my open arms. I remember lifting him up and pressing his head against my chest, never wanting to let go of him. I remember the feeling of how my heart slowly melted inside of me when I felt how fragile and small he was in my arms. And almost instantly I just knew that I had to look out for him, to protect him. And it wasn't out of guilt or even duty; I wanted to take care of him, to have him close to me. I don't know how else to explain it._

_We had already lost Sarah that day, both of us, and somehow, the thought of losing him too was unbearable to me._

_Then he cracked and just started sobbing uncontrollably, and I did my best to try and comfort him. His running nose completely ruined my shirt but I couldn't care less._

"_What are we gonna do now? They're going to take me away", he said, his voice trembling._

"_No, they're not. I won't let them"_

"_How?", he asked hopelessly._

_Truth is that, in that very moment I actually didn't know, but of course I couldn't say that to him. So I just smiled and pulled up his chin so that he would look at me._

"_You forget that I'm the prince of Russia", I said nonchalantly, and I'm sure I sounded way more confident than I actually felt. "My words are law, so if I say something, they'll have to listen to me and I say that you're gonna stay here, with me"_

_The last sentence just slipped off my tongue before I actually had a real chance to think about it, but it didn't feel wrong at all. And I got even more confident and sure of that it was the right thing to do when I saw how the new hope of my promise made Jim's little face shine again._

"_Promise?"_

"_Promise", I smiled._

_He smiled back at me, and didn't say so much more before he fell asleep in my lap as we waited for some of the servants to come and pick us up._

"_Dimitri?", he mumbled tiredly._

"_Yes Jim?"_

"_Thanks for making me smile today"_

_His words left a warm fluttering feeling in my heart and I didn't know what to say in return, so I just brushed my fingers through his bangs and watched him as he closed his eyes and fell asleep, still with that little smile hovering around his lips._


	3. Chapter 3 8 Years Later

_Okay I am so, so, SO sorry for being such an awful person by pretended to be dead and __kept you guys waiting for the next chapter for like... forever xD *curls up at your feet and begs for your forgiveness xD* I had so much ideas and inspiration but every time I sat myself in front of the computer it just went all *poof gone* xD But anyway, I'm back in the game now + here's chapter 3, hope you enjoy ^_^_

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Dimitri was sitting in one of the couches in the grand living room with a heavy four pages essay in his lap. He slowly chewed on his lower lip as he impatiently tapped his pencil against the wooden table in front of him in frustration. The doors in the back of the room opened all of a sudden and in came Jim, cheerfully skipping and humming some random song.

"Dimitri I'm bored, come and hang out with me!", Jim begged as he collapsed down next to his brother in the couch.

Dimitri was _really_ tempted to toss his stupid essay in the fireplace and just hang out with his brother even if it was just for an hour or two, but with an exam coming up tomorrow it was impossible.

"I can't Jim, I have an exam tomorrow", he sighed.

"An exam? But that's no fun", Jim replied as he pouted his lips.

"Well, we can't have fun all the time Jim", Dimitri smiled as he turned around to ruffle up Jim's hair, but Jim smoothly ducked away in the last second, grabbing Dimitri's essay on the way.

"Hey! Give that back will you!", Dimitri laughed as he tried to get his essay back, but it was pretty much hopeless since Jim had already run half across the room with it, his lips grinning with victory.

"Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about that?", Jim asked in a teasing voice, his sky blue eyes sparkling of mischief.

Dimitri got up from the couch, his legs stiff from sitting still such a long time and started chasing after Jim across the room. In that moment it was difficult to believe they were the sons of the Tsar of Russia; they acted more like crazy chickens running around laughing and screaming.

Dimitri cornered his brother and started tickling him between the ribs; the place where he knew Jim was most ticklish.

"Giving up yet?", Dimitri laughed as Jim fined around in his arms, laughing and fighting to break loose.

"N-No!", Jim panted between the laughs. "Dimitri, argh! Oh, alright just stop it!"

Dimitri finally let go of Jim's arms and they both laughed and panted heavily from the chase and the tickle fight.

"Gosh, I never wanna have so much fun again", Jim chuckled as he wiped away a tear of joy from his eye.

"Jim?"

"Yes Dimitri?"

"Thanks"

"For what?"

"Oh you know, for being the annoying little bastard that you are and reminding me what fun feels like", Dimitri smiled, his voice filled with tender affection that made Jim's heart take a little extra jump of joy.

It was the short, blissful moments like these that made him sure of that no matter what happened, nothing could ever come between him and Dimitri. Nothing.

Dimitri leaned himself against the wall over Jim's head for support and he was close enough for Jim to inhale the scent of his cologne. For a short moment, or maybe an eternity, they just stood there in complete silence, except for the sound of their strained breaths. Jim looked up towards those sparkling green eyes with a hint of a smile in them and realized that it didn't matter they'd grown up together and he'd surely looked into Dimitri's eyes over a 1000 times; he would never get used to the tingling feeling he always felt whenever Dimitri looked back at him.

But eventually it was Dimitri's mouth, his beautiful lips that captured Jim's attention and for the first time in his life, Jim felt a burning desire to be kissed, to feel those lips against his own, to know what his brother's kiss tasted like. He wanted to take the leap and remove the distance between him and Dimitri, but he couldn't move. He'd never felt this way before about anyone, never craved anything so badly and suddenly in his entire life. Those mesmerizing lips had completely disabled him from thinking about anything else.

_Kiss me… Please, just once…_

He was abruptly yanked away from his forbidden fantasy by the voice of their father, which cut through the atmosphere like a knife.

"What's going on here? I thought you were studying"

The boys immediately turned around and Dimitri instantly backed a couple of steps away from Jim, creating some distance between them. It was all to give Jim some space to breathe, but instead Jim felt his throat tighten with disappointment as Dimitri stepped away.

Their father walked in the room with determined steps and glanced down at the mess of homework papers on the floor in disapproval.

"I-I was", Dimitri explained as he quickly bent down to pick up the papers. "I mean… We were just… I-"

"It was all my fault", Jim interrupted. "Dimitri _was_ studying, I was just bored and wanted to have some fun"

Dimitri sent his brother a thankful smile; he knew that Jim knew how important it was for him to live up to their father's high expectations of him.

"I see… But you boys should get ready for dinner. And Jim! Go and find more suitable to wear for tonight, would you?", their father said while he waved dismissingly at Jim with his hand.

Jim glanced down at his usual everyday clothing with a puzzled expression.

"Why? What's wrong with what I'm wearing now?"

"Don't tell me you forgot", their father said as he furrowed his eyebrows.

"Forgot what?" Dimitri and Jim both asked.

The tsar buried his face in his hand and signed deeply.

"You two… You're gonna be the death of me. I thought I reminded you that we were going to have company tonight. We're dining with the king of France. Don't you ever pay attention to what I say?"

"It… may have slipped my mind", Dimitri shrugged as he looked at Jim for support.

"You have got to be kidding me…", Jim mumbled as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Again?! This is like… the second time this month you're having dinner with him!"

Dimitri glanced up from his papers and had to bite himself in the lip to prevent himself from laughing when he saw Jim's reaction; his brother looked like he was chewing on a lemon and that sour face of his was kind of… adorable.

"The king's daughter has a little crush on Jim", Dimitri explained to his father in an amused voice.

"Dimitri!", Jim hushed as he nervously glanced at their father to see if he'd heard that.

Of course he had.

"Really? You never told me you two had a thing", the Tsar said, looking surprised.

"What?! No! We don't!", Jim snapped as he felt his face heating up.

Dimitri lips quirked up in a smile; oh he just couldn't resist taking this moment to tease Jim.

"Oh really? Then why are you blushing?", he giggled.

Jim sent his brother a "You're so dead"-scowl across his shoulder as he clenched his fists. Why were they even having this stupid conversation?

The sound of clattering hooves interrupted him before he had a chance to figure out some witty reply. He walked up towards the windows to look down. Oh no… It actually was _her_. Jim felt his stomach knot itself up in discomfort and his grip around the windowpane tightened.

"That's them, I should go and welcome them", the Tsar said as he started walking towards the exit. "And Jim, don't forget to change!"

Jim only exhaled sharply and rolled his eyes as a reply, as their father disappeared down the stairs.

"God, what am I gonna do?", he mumbled as he agonizingly started pacing back and forth while running his hands through his dark-brown bangs.

"Jim darling, are you there?", a light voice screamed from downstairs that made him freeze in terror.

"Holy shit! That's her, damn what am I gonna do?!"

"Well, you could always hide in the closet", Dimitri joked as he nodded towards the old oak closet where they so many times had spied on their "enemies".

Their childhood memories filled his chest with a warm feeling. Jim glanced towards the closet before he opened it up and threw out an armful of thick coats in all kinds of different fabrics and furs. Dimitri's eyes widened in shock as he realized that Jim actually took his joke seriously!

"Jim", he laughed as he saw Jim trying to squeeze himself inside the tiny space. "It was a joke, there's _no way_ you can get in there!"

"Watch me", Jim gritted stubbornly between his teeth.

And after a lot of struggling he actually managed to get himself inside the narrow closet and close the door.

_Wow… He must really be desperate…_

Dimitri walked up towards the closet with an amused smile hovering around his lips.

"Sure you can hide…", he whispered with a hint of mischief as he leaned his back against the door so that Jim would hear him. "But what makes you think I'm not gonna tell her where you're hiding?"

"You. Wouldn't. Dare", Jim snarled back. "Besides, don't you have an essay or something to do? Ugh!"

"I'll shut up if you give up your dessert for a weeks time", Dimitri offered playfully.

"A week?! A day perhaps, but a whole week? No way!"

"One week"

"You're horrible"

"Yeah well, I try my best", Dimitri chuckled.

The sound of high-heals clattering up the stairs, followed by a high pitch tone voice calling Jim's name dangerously close by made Jim shut his mouth. Her name was Katherine, the princess of France and she was a beautiful young woman, her hair falling in natural black cascades around her heart-shaped pale face. Her lips were full and her almond shaped eyes were a dark shade of chocolate brown. She was dressed in a dark pink dress with half long sleeves reaching just below her elbows and the skirt reaching her ankles. There were gold specks mixed into the fabric and made a nice contrast to her naturally dark colors.

"Miss Katherine, what a lovely surprise", Dimitri greeted with his most charming smile.

He could almost hear Jim roll his eyes on the other side of the door.

"Oh alright, a week, just shut your trap already!", Jim hissed.

"My lips are sealed", Dimitri giggled before putting on his poker-face.

"Oh Dimitri! How lovely to see you again, you don't know where my little pumpkin is by any chance, do you?", Katherine asked while searching the room.

_My little pumpkin?! She calls him her "pumpkin"?_

Dimitri forced himself to look down at the floor to hide the smile that threatened to split his face.

"No, unfortunately not", he lied as he shook his head, still looking down. "But I'm sure you'll see him at dinner"

"Oh I hope so too!", she smiled delightedly as she pressed her hands against her chest.

After she'd finally gone to greet their parents Jim, with a lot of efforts and grunts finally climbed out the tiny space and tried to get some blood down his stiffened legs.

"'Miss Katherine, what a lovely surprise'", he mocked Dimitri's earlier comment. "Gosh, you're such an ass-kisser Dimitri"

Dimitri couldn't help but laugh.

"It's called common courtesy Jim, something I think you should learn", he smiled.

"I guess what I really should do is get dressed for dinner…", Jim mumbled and sighed heavily.

"I don't think it's a must, you look good now", Dimitri smiled.

"Shut up, you can't ass-kiss your way with me, nope", Jim grinned as he felt his cheeks flush.

And so he quickly turned around and headed towards the exits before his brother would have a chance to notice his blushing cheeks.


	4. Chapter 4 Sacrificing For Duty

_I give up. I don't know how many times I've been reading this and I still haven't gripped what it's all about._

Dimitri put down the paper on the table in front of him and slowly rubbed his tired eyes.

"Still studying I see?"

He looked up towards his father who was standing in the doorway, dressed in his finest clothes, which made Dimitri wonder how things were going for Jim.

"No, I was thinking on getting ready for dinner", he yawned, feeling tired after all the studying. Or attempts at studying.

"Well go and check up on your brother then, miss Katherine's been asking for him non-stop ever since she arrived"

"Imagine that", Dimitri grinned as he remembered the earlier events that evening.

"I know your brother never really has been especially enthusiastic when it comes to the matters of marriage, but I do believe that she someday in the future would make a good wife for him", his father continued as he thoughtfully rubbed his red-brownish beard.

"Wh-What?", Dimitri stuttered as his eyes widened in surprise.

An unwelcome pang of horror and jealously over these shocking news hit Dimitri like a sucker punch; his throat tightened and he had a hard time trying to re-gain the ability to speak.

_Wife? He can't be serious! Jim… and Katherine? No way!_

"Why not? She's beautiful, rich, from a good family and clearly interested in him. And we could improve our relationship with France that way", his father continued, completely oblivious to Dimitri's shocked state.

Dimitri nervously cleared his throat, not sure how to break it to his father.

"Eh… dad, I'm not sure if you've noticed this but Jim doesn't really… eh… seem to be especially interested in her", he mumbled as he looked down at his hands, which were squeezing the once so plain homework papers into wrinkled bolls.

"What do you mean?", his father asked as he frowned.

Dimitri swallowed hard and tried to make the lump in his throat go away. He didn't know why he reacted this way, but this feeling wasn't all unfamiliar. He clearly remembered feeling just the same panicking agony when he was seven and heard his parents arguing about whether or not to keep Jim.

_Am I that afraid of letting go of him?_

"But dad he's only 16! And he… he doesn't love her…", Dimitri murmured almost inaudibly as he felt himself blush slightly.

He looked up towards his father with eyes that pleaded for understanding, but his father only chuckled softly and shook his head.

"Oh Dimitri, you have a lot to learn", his father smiled.

Dimitri felt his heart sink to his stomach in disappointment.

_He doesn't believe me… Or he does but refuses to take me seriously…_

"You didn't really believe that I loved your mother back when I first met her, did you?", the Tsar asked with an amused smile.

"You didn't?"

"Of course not. I barely knew her at all and she couldn't even speak Russian then, but look at us now; ruling Russia side by side without any obstacles, so you see, marriage has nothing to do with love"

_Well, perhaps it should… But what do I know._

This whole conversation was making Dimitri feel uncomfortable and a little sad so he wished for nothing more but to get out of there.

_I wish my brother was here…_

"I'm gonna go and check up on Jim", he said as he got up from the couch.

"You do that", his father nodded. "I'll see you both for dinner?"

"Mm…"

Dimitri walked up the stairs towards Jim's room with heavy steps while his father's words still echoed in his head. He didn't know why he was feeling so sad over the fact that Jim one day in the future would get married to some nice girl and maybe even leave Russia and his brother behind. That heartbreaking image of the future was something that actually had scared him his whole life.

_Who am I kidding? It's bound to happen like it always does to siblings sooner or later. I should be happy and thankful that we've had so many wonderful memories and years together as brothers._

With those encouraging thoughts in his mind Dimitri straightened his back as he was outside Jim's room. He raised his hand to knock when he saw Jim through the crack in the not-entirely-closed door.

His brother was standing with his back against him in front of the huge mirror in the room and the view was breathtakingly beautiful; he was completely shirtless and his perfectly tanned skin was glowing gorgeously in the late afternoon sun. He looked more like a glorious painting than a regular human being.

Dimitri wanted to say something, anything; it felt wrong gawking like this when Jim didn't even know he was there, but once again he was tongue-tied and his body paralyzed.

_What is the matter with me today?_

"Blasted… blast-thing!", Jim cursed angrily as he impatiently tugged at the white shirt that had gotten stuck around his head.

Why was he even bothering with all of this? Oh right… dinner. Where he would be forced to converse politely with his stalker chick who couldn't take a hint. Awesome. He rolled his eyes in annoyance when he heard a faint, familiar giggle and froze immediately, still with the blasted shirt stuck around his head and covering his sight.

"Dimitri?", he asked carefully. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough", Dimitri grinned as he walked up to his brother. "Hm… Looks like you're a little too big-headed", he teased while gesturing to the shirt stuck around Jim's head.

"Oh yeah? Well I can say that big-headedness is something that runs in the family", Jimreplied as he lips twitched into a mischievous smile.

"Touché", Dimitri chuckled while walking up behind Jim and putting his arms around his broad shoulders. "Hold still and I'll help you out of this"

"You do know that I'm 16 right?", Jim mumbled as he tried to ignore the electric feeling that rushed though his body from where Dimitri's hands touched him.

Dimitri only shook his head and smiled before he started unbuttoning the buttons of the shirt. It took some time cause these buttons were harder to unbutton than usual ones, but unlike Jim he actually had the gene for patience.

"You know, if you screw up this whole 'ruler of Russia'-thing you can always become a maid", Jim suggested in a teasing voice. "You seem to have the skills"

"A maid?! Pff! Get out of here!", Dimitri laughed as he punched his brother lightly on the arm. "There. All done", he smiled contentedly while pulling the shirt over Jim's head.

Jim blinked a couple of times towards his own reflection in the mirror; his brown hair was a mess and his cheeks a bit flushed from the lack of oxygen inside the shirt but otherwise he looked just like himself. Except for the fact that he never would wear this kind of awful clothing if it wasn't for some "special event".

"I don't want to go to dinner", he suddenly blurted.

Dimitri raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Why not?"

Jim quickly spun around to face his brother.

"Because I'm going to have to be forced to talk politely about politics and gossip about I-don't-even-know… Socialites! On France! And _she_ is going to be there and "pumpkin" me", he groaned dissatisfiedly.

Dimitri couldn't help but let out a laugh.

"Oh, come on! You've been called way worse things than 'pumpkin'", he laughed.

"That's not the point!", Jim exclaimed, even if a trace of a smile hovered around his lips. "I… I want to do something else… With you", he added quietly as he looked away.

"Aha… And what's that?", Dimitri asked as he felt his heart rate speed up inside his chest.

"Can't we go to your ship and hang out there?", Jim suggested, knowing very well that was Dimitri's favorite place.

"Sure… We can do that", Dimitri smiled.

"Really? You're not getting cold feet over that we're gonna get into trouble or anything then?", Jim grinned.

Dimitri hesitated for a while, knowing that their father would be absolutely furious once he found out they'd taken off like that, but at the same time he didn't feel like going down there either and watch as Katherine tried her seduction tricks on Jim. Ugh, hell no. Then he'd much, much rather stay out here with his brother. And also the way Jim was pleading at him to say "yes" with those huge, adorable puppy eyes made it impossible for Dimitri to turn him down, just like that time when he'd come up with the idea to adopt him and make him a part of his family.

"Sure we will, but since when is that stopping us?", he smirked down at Jim as he playfully tugged at his sleeve.

_My biological mother, Sarah Hawkins worked as a servant at the Tsar palace when was still alive and since she worked as Dimitri's nanny and pretty much raised him, he would always kind of follow her around everywhere. (I have no memories of this, this is just what I've heard from my brother). However he quickly learned all the secret shortcuts and ways around the palace, something he later passed on to me cause he'd promised me to "teach me everything he knew", (which wasn't especially much I can say, haha)._

_These secret shortcuts are called the servants corners. They're tunnels built in parallel with the walls __and __built exclusively for the servants to enter meeting rooms, dining halls or other rooms before the stuck-up rich people enter. That gives the servants a chance to lay the tables and change the linens if necessary. Then, they can silently disappear again so that the rich people wouldn't have to smother their stuck-up rich eyes with poor commoners._

_And since Dimitri and I both had a sense of fun as kids, it became practical to know all these secret shortcuts by heart, because you really don't have much time to think once you're being chased by a scolding parent. And the best thing was that our father, who normally was the one trying to ruin our fun, had no idea where these secret ways were, because they pretty much blended into the environment so well that they were invincible to anyone who didn't know where they were! So whenever we really needed to, we could always just walk through the wall and disappear._

_I can't help but grin when I think back on all of this. Yeah yeah, I know I should feel terrible for causing so much trouble through the years, but I can't; we simply had too much fun for me to regret any of it._

_So this time when Dimitri and I needed to sneak out, we did just like we always did; through the servants corners. One of them lead down towards the harbor (so that the servants could easily get into the palace with all the fish and seafood from the fishermen without making the entire palace stink of raw fish), where Dimitri's ship laid waiting._

_No matter how old I get, I don't think I'm ever going to get over the thrilling feeling of sneaking out with him and all those precious memories from our childhood came dunking all over me again like a tide, filling me with gratitude and happiness over everything that we actually had shared through the years._

The reflection of the late afternoon sun glittered across the blue sea like a golden woven band and the sky was painted beautifully red by the sunset. It had gotten a little chilly so they ran the last part of the road until the smell of salt and the sound of waves crushing against the shore reached their ears.

Dimitri felt his heart rate speed up in excitement and his chest swell up with pride when he saw his beloved ship; his so-called "baby".

"There she is, my baby girl! Jim, have you ever seen anyone so beautiful?", Dimitri sighed longingly as he carefully brushed his hand against the smooth varnished surface of the ship.

"Dude, get a room already!", Jim laughed as his sky blue eyes sparkled beautifully.

Dimitri just pouted his lips in return before turning his attention back to his ship.

"Don't listen to him baby, he's just jealous of our _epic_ love for each other", he explained in an affectionate voice.

"You coming?", Jim shouted to his brother over his shoulder as he was standing at the reeling of the ship, admiring the view of the sea.

It wasn't that he was completely blind to what his brother saw in it, even if he probably never would get half as crazy about it as Dimitri; Dimitri loved the sea from the bottom of his heart, it was his element and everyone who really knew him could tell by the way he always longed to be out on the water, or that he always slept with his window open at nights. "I like to fall asleep to the sound of the waves" he used to say whenever people asked him why.

_You're so passionate about it and still you're here instead of out there, preparing yourself for a future you never either chose nor desired…_

"Dimitri, may I ask you something?"

"But of course, you don't have to ask if you can ask something Jim", his brother smiled.

Jim turned his gaze back to the sea and silently tried to formulate his question in the best way inside his head before asking Dimitri.

"Why do you keep doing this? All of this, when it's clearly not what you want?", he finally said as he carefully ogled up towards his brother.

"Jim, you've lost me"

"What I mean is… You want to be a sailor, but still you keep doing all of those things dad wants you to do. You keep on preparing yourself to become the Tsar of Russia even though that's clearly not what you want to do with your life… Why?"

"Jim… It's complicated…", Dimitri replied and sighed heavily. "I… I don't think mom and dad would approve, or even understand…", he mumbled as he felt a thick lump form itself inside his throat.

His brother was actually the only one who knew about his dream of becoming a sailor, because he hadn't dared telling his parents about it yet.

_But I don't believe they even would take me seriously if I told them… Dad would just laugh and say "You have a lot to learn Dimitri". They're so convinced that I want to end up just like them!_

It made him more disappointed and sad than he wanted to admit to both Jim and himself that his parents couldn't understand that he had dreams of his own. And if he did decide to tell them, would they want to share it with him or even just support him the way his brother always had?

"Of course I want to sail beyond the horizon and see everything that this world has to offer…", he continued in a dreamy voice. "But I was born into this life full of expectations and responsibilities, so there's not that much I can do", he shrugged and smiled faintly. "I guess you sometimes have to sacrifice some of your dreams for the sake of duty…"

"But you never asked to be born into this life! And… I don't want you to be unhappy", Jim replied as he furrowed his eyebrows. "And I'm sure mom and dad would agree with me"

Hid words made Dimitri's heart flutter with happiness and he completely failed in trying to keep his face from splitting up in a grin. This dream of his was so personal somehow, but never even once had Jim ever made him regret that he'd shared it with him.

"Don't worry about me Jim, I'll be fine", Dimitri promised. "Come here you little rascal", he whispered affectionately as he wrapped his arm around Jim's body and smooched his cheek against Jim's soft hair.

Jim rubbed his nose against Dimitri's chest and inhaled the scent of his brother as he tightly hugged him back.

_Mm… I could get used to this…_

"I just wish I could have a chance to see the world before I get all old and boring, you know?", Dimitri joked lightly as he stared out over the sea once again, his green eyes burning with desire and longing.

"It's alright, I'll always be around here to make sure you stay a troublemaker and I promise to kidnap you and take you with me to see the world before you get 'old and boring'", Jim teased as he buried his face into Dimitri's chest again.

"Oh really?", Dimitri laughed as he grabbed his brother by his shoulder and forced him to look at him. "You've got some nerve you, kidnapping the prince of Russia just like that!", he smiled and tried to sound offended.

They looked out on the big blue sea together in silence and after a little while, Jim felt Dimitri's hand softly brush his shoulder while he mumbled quietly enough just for the two of them to hear;

"Thanks Jim, that sounds perfect"

_I do miss it… Those carefree days of simplicity before everything got so complicated between us, before this whole mess forced me to bitterly realize_ _that our relationship never ever again could go back to "normal". I guess that there'd always been these little signs that said that I was caring for him way more than just brotherly, but I simply hadn't wished to believe them, until I couldn't deny it anymore._

_I know, no one cares when or even how things like these happened; they want to know why. Truth is I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't._

* * *

_What do you think of the new fic picture? ;D Created it myself *__proud*__ xD If you would like to see more of my Jimitri art feel free to visit my deviantART, link's on my profile_ _;)_


	5. Chapter 5 Forbidden Fruit

Of course it wasn't that afternoon with Dimitri when they'd snuck out together where it had all first started. But perhaps that was when Jim for the first time started suspecting that his relationship with his brother had reached a dead-end with no going back to the blissful days of innocence.

_Dimitri wrapped his arms around Jim's waist, pushing his naked body harder against his own as he crashed their lips together in an intoxicating kiss._

_Jim pushed him down on the bed and impatiently started to unbutton Dimitri's shirt, while Dimitri tugged off his pants and trunks. He hadn't realized what a huge boner he'd gotten; even his brother seemed to be a bit startled at first._

_"You're huge", Jim mumbled as he gazed down at Dimitri's cock._

_"Oh… Is that something bad?", Dimitri asked with blushing cheeks as he nervously clenched his fists._

_"What? No, that's awesome!", Jim grinned as he got down on all four in front of Dimitri, slowly spreading his long legs._

_Dimitri's breath hitched as he felt Jim's hands brush along the inside of his hips, until he took a steady grip around his hard cock and started palming it's head with his hand._

_"J-Ji-im…! Don't stop please…"_

_"Because it makes you feel good?", Jim smirked playfully._

_Dimitri closed his green eyes and gave out a little moan of pleasure as Jim leaned forward and gave Dimitri's head a little lick. His tongue was so smooth and warm as he teasingly swirled it along Dimitri's cock and it took Dimitri all of his self-control to try and restrain himself from just thrusting all the way into Jim's hot mouth. Finally Jim stopped teasing and closed his soft lips around Dimitri's cock, taking in as much of him as he could. At first he felt like he might choke, but as Dimitri kept penetrating his throat with deep thrusts he slowly got used to it. He could feel him pound inside his mouth and the taste of his precum._

_Dimitri hitched and gasped of shock as he felt Jim push his index finger inside of his ass. Jim immediately froze and looked up at his love, his blue eyes filled with worry._

_"Did… I hurt you?", he whispered regretfully._

_"N-no, I'm fine", Dimitri panted as he tried to get used to the unfamiliar feeling._

_Jim smirked as he pushed in a second finger, making Dimitri groan and throw his head back in a mix of pain and pleasure._

_"Do you…?", he asked, his cheeks slightly flushed._

_"It's okay Jim, I'm ready", Dimitri replied as he smiled softly._

_"Really?"_

_Jim couldn't keep the excitement away from his voice and he flushed again as he realized how enthusiastic he'd sounded. Too enthusiastic._

_"I mean, we don't have to", he quickly added as he sat down on the bed next to Dimitri. "Really, I mean it Dimitri. I… I do want you, but only if you want it too"_

_Jim's concern and sincerity made Dimitri's heart melt of love once again and he wrapped his arms around his little brother to pull him closer._

_"I know Jim, but I'm okay with it", Dimitri promised. "Can I…?", he asked as he shyly nodded towards Jim's cock._

_"Of course"_

_Jim had shut his eyes and moaned occasionally as he felt Dimitri caress his most private part. He'd touched himself before, but it was a whole different thing when it was Dimitri doing it. He slowly opened his blue eyes and looked up towards Dimitri who smiled beautifully back at him underneath his red-brownish bangs._

_"Ready?", Jim whispered breathlessly as he took Dimitri's hand and squeezed it lovingly._

_Dimitri nodded as he turned around on all four in front of Jim. Jim slowly stroked his palms along Dimitri's pink cheeks, really exterminating that fine ass of his before he pushed his cock up Dimitri's tight entrance. Dimitri groaned out loud as he felt himself being filled._

_"Y-You're so ti-tight…!", Jim gasped in surprise as he buried his nails down in Dimitri's shoulders to keep him steady underneath him._

_Dimitri's teeth clenched as Jim started picking up the rhythm; carefully at first, but then faster and harder with each thrust. Jim buried his fingers deep down into Dimitri's red-brown curls and forced him to glance back at him over his shoulder while Jim kept thrusting hard inside of him. With the pain wearing off more and more, the screams coming from Dimitri were more out of pleasure. Sweat-drops had formed themselves on Jim's tanned forehead and glittered beautifully like pearls. His vision started to blur as he felt himself getting closer and closer towards his climax._

_Dimitri, I-I love you._

_Dimitri himself also felt his orgasm build up inside of him until he couldn't contain himself anymore; he cried out loud as he came, throwing his head back and scratching criss-cross against Jim's forearm. Jim loved watching Dimitri come and knowing that it was because of him. The sight was so exhilaratingly hot and it made Jim come just a couple of seconds after his love. He panted heavily as he leaned forward towards Dimitri so close that their noses almost touched, before he crashed upon his chest in exhaustion._

_"Woow… That… That was amazing", Dimitri whispered as Jim pulled out of him, leaving a streak of white cum along his leg._

_"Yeah wasn't it?", Jim grinned contentedly as he wiped cum of Dimitri's leg with his fingers._

_Dimitri ignored the sore feeling in his body as he got up on his elbows and eagerly started sucking the cum off Jim's fingers._

_"How do I taste?", Jim asked, his blue eyes sparkling in delight._

_Dimitri finished licking and smirked back at his love._

_"Divine"_

The blood was bubbling like soda in Jim's veins as he quickly stripped his clothes off and slipped his hand around his already hardened cock. It was just another early morning where he'd suddenly awakened after another one of those shameful but oh so pleasurable dreams about Dimitri. He closed his eyes and hungrily licked his lips as the memory of Dimitri's length inside his mouth made him twitch with excitement and he was forced to press his lips tightly together to keep himself from moaning out loud. His breath deepened as he playfully stoked himself and ran his thumb across the head.

He knew what he was doing, what he was _feeling_ was perverted, sick, twisted and wrong in every way, but he couldn't help it. Of course he'd jerked himself off before; but never because of Dimitri. At least not until now.

With his cheeks burning with lust and shame, Jim quickly buttoned his pants again and got up from the wooden floor in his room.

_I can't do this. It's not right. What if… Dimitri knew?_

The thought of Dimitri knowing his darkest and most perverted secret brutally punctured Jim's lungs and the panic made him defenselessly curl up against the wall. It was mostly to prevent himself from falling asleep again and maybe risk having another one of those dreams.

Just the thought of them gave him sweet chills, even though anxiety and fear mercilessly bit holes in his stomach.

He let his hand brush against the wall, knowing very well his brother was sleeping on just the other side of it. The memory of all those cryptic messages they would send each other at night during the years in form of different knocks, scratches and whisperings made him smile a little to himself.

Maybe that was what he needed to focus on; the brotherly bond between them. Maybe this was just some confusing phase he was going through at the moment.

Jim smiled hopefully to himself as he got up from the bed and started to go looking for Dimitri. When he popped his head inside his brother's room he saw that Dimitri's bed was empty. At first he was confused, but then he heard the familiar sound of water running from the bathroom just on the other side of the hallway. Dimitri was probably already up… And showering.

Jim had to bite his lip hard to keep himself from drifting away into another one of those forbidden fantasies of Dimitri. This turned out to be more difficult than he'd first thought it would be.

In the middle of the giant room was Dimitri's big, empty bed with red satin sheets and airy pillows. The memories of all those times he'd crawled up in his brother's bed (even though his brother at first wildly protested; Dimitri was extremely generous with everything, but not when it came to sharing beds and he also accused Jim for taking all the blanket) in the middle of the night after having had a bad dream made Jim's heart clench with nostalgia.

At first he hesitated, but then he reminded himself that Dimitri wasn't here. And so Jim gave in to his craving and threw himself down on Dimitri's bed. The soft fabric and sweet familiar scent of his brother was inexpressibly soothing and Jim nuzzled his little nose deeper into Dimitri's still warm pillow, inhaling the scent of Dimitri, _his _Dimitri as much as his lungs could possibly take.

He had almost fallen asleep when he heard the door creak open. He tried to get up but his whole body felt so heavy and so he only opened a sky blue eye to peek at the person appearing in the door.

And of course it was Dimitri, with only a white fluffy towel loosely held low on his hips.

_Lucky towel_, Jim thought to himself as he felt himself blush slightly underneath Dimitri's amused gaze, even though he wasn't the one almost completely naked.

"Looks like someone ended up in the wrong room in the wrong bed", Dimitri teased as he brushed aside red-brownish bangs.

The water had made his hair a shade darker than usual and small water-drops glittered beautifully against his skin when the rays of sunlight from the magnificent glass windows hit them.

Too mesmerized and tongue-tied by the view of his brother's body to come up with some witty reply, Jim threw a pillow in his direction and he failed terribly at concealing his smile and attempt to look displeased.

"Wow… What was that, again?", Dimitri smiled teasingly, utterly unimpressed with Jim's throwing abilities.

"Shut up, you ass!", Jim grinned and buried his head deeply in Dimitri's pillow before Dimitri had a chance to notice the dark shade of red going all out in his brother's cheeks.

Dimitri finally had to burst out laughing and Jim couldn't help but glance out at him through the corner of his eye. He'd always loved to hear Dimitri's laugh and see him laugh, it made him look so gorgeous.

"I can't recall the last time you've been as cuddly as to climb into my bed. What's gotten into you? Missed your big brother?", Dimitri smirked and sat down on the bed beside Jim.

"Mmghhamisgl..."

"What's that?", Dimitri furrowed his eyebrows and leaned forward to hear better.

"I said, I didn't miss you at all, I'm just exploiting your warmth...", Jim repeated and nuzzled his face into the pillow again.

"Oh, so that's what you're doing... Whoever gave you permission to do that?"

"I did so myself... You weren't using it."

"What a poor excuse to steal my bed! Get out of it!", Dimitri laughed and poked at Jim's arm.

"You're not using it for the rest of the day! Besides, you're not the boss of me...", Jim grunted discontentedly and turned his back on his brother.

"Oh, I'm not?", Dimitri's voice suddenly had a mischievous tone to it and Jim only made it in time to open his eyes before he felt Dimitri's large hands tickle him at his ribcage.

"No, stop it! Dimitri! I'm warning you, I'll take your towel off! Listen to me!", Jim laughed powerlessly and twisted his body around in the sheets in an attempt to escape Dimitri.

"Don't you know little brothers should listen to their older siblings? Huh? So, am I the boss of you? Huh? Am I? Am I?", Dimitri laughed while going rough on Jim.

"No! You'll never get me to admit that! Never! Dimitri, you're killing me, stop it already!", Jim laughed while tears started to form in the corners of his eyes.

"Not until you admit who's the boss of you!"

"Alright, alright, you're the boss of me, you're the boss of me!"

"See, that's much better..", Dimitri smiled triumphantly and let go of Jim, but before he even had a chance to react, Jim had launched himself at him and tilted him to lie on his back.

"See, you're not the boss of me. I'm on top of yo- ", Jim suddenly stopped himself as he sat down on top of Dimitri and a hard twitch poked against his inner thigh.

He looked down at Dimitri and firstly noticed then where the towel was; on the floor beside the bed. Jim suddenly couldn't help but rub himself slightly against Dimitri's desire. He knew he shouldn't, but his body acted on its own accord. Dimitri exhaled sharply and looked up at Jim through his gorgeously green eyes, suddenly filled with suppressed desire.

"That's- That's just my morning boner, it won't seem to go away..", Dimitri quickly excused himself, but Jim only furrowed his eyebrows.

"Even after you took a shower?", he asked suspiciously and Dimitri lowered his eyes to Jim's lips.

"Jim.. I- "

Maybe it was because of the way Dimitri was gazing at his lips, the sexual dream from earlier this morning or the quick little heartbeats Jim felt beneath his palms as he pressed them against his brother's strong chest. Or maybe it was neither of it that gave Jim the courage to give in to that blazing, forbidden desire and so he leaned forward and pressed his lips towards Dimitri's in a soft, loving kiss.

_*dun dun DUUUN* CLIFFHANGER ;D_

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_Sorry for have taken another zillion years for the next chapter, I've been so busy with school lately and my inspiration hasn't really been the best; I WROTE THREE DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF THIS CHAPTER BEFORE I WAS CONTENT, HAHA XD_


	6. Chapter 6 Good Luck

_First of all; THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE FAVES, LIKES, REVIEWS AND FRIGGIN' PATIENCE BETWEEN THE CHAPTERS *_* You guys are awesome and I appreciate all the feedback I get even though I suck at replying xD So new chapter, hope you enjoy ;D_

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The only time Dimitri and Jim had kissed each other was that time when they were 5 and 8 years old at the park with Sarah.

It had been a lovely morning during the summer and so she'd decided to take both her children to the public park. She'd made them sandwiches and wrapped them up in small paper bags for the trip; of course Jim had given away almost his entire sandwich to a group of ducklings at the pond.

Dimitri had been sitting on a bench next to Sarah, eating vanilla ice cream and watching Jim running around feeding the ducklings. Then a rabbit jumped out of one of the bushes and Jim immediately started chasing the poor rabbit… out on the street!

Dimitri remembered how the fear paralyzed him from moving an inch or even screaming for help. The only thing he could do was to sit and watch with his heart in his mouth while a giant car turned the corner and headed towards Jim.

But in the very last moment Sarah, being the guardian angel that she was, quickly pulled Jim off the street. There she scolded him for not being more careful and wrapped her arms around him in a loving hug.

When he realized that Jim was okay, Dimitri could finally breathe again and he realized that in his panic, he'd been squeezing his ice-cream so hard that it had turned into a melted sludge in his hand. But he didn't care one bit. Instead he ran up towards Jim and Sarah and took Jim in his arms before Sarah even had a chance to put her son down and gave Jim a big vanilla ice-cream kiss on both his cheeks!

Jim, who didn't understand the sudden change in Dimitri, immediately tried to pull away and started to wipe away the ice-cream from his baby cheeks with a sulky expression. But Dimitri couldn't stop smiling; he was just so relieved that nothing had happened to Jim.

Ever since that kiss with Jim last week all these little memories from the past had come bubbling up to the surface of Dimitri's mind, leaving him more clueless and lost than ever.

It had been a painfully long week full of tormenting silence since the kiss and Jim still hadn't talked to his brother about it. He wanted to, but he didn't know where to begin so he kept quiet and hoped that Dimitri would bring it up eventually, but he didn't. It was like they'd made a silent pact together to keep it a secret and pretend like it never happened.

_Did Dimitri wish it never happened?_

Questions like these had been driving Jim insane and he couldn't stand the suffocating silence at home; it was a silence that never before had existed between him and his brother and he didn't know how to deal with it. Even their parents seemed to have noticed that something wasn't quite right between them, but neither Dimitri nor Jim had grown up with the habit of talking to their parents about stuff; after all they'd always had each other, so trying to start with that now would just feel strange. Besides they both knew neither of their parents wouldn't understand.

"Dimitri?"

Dimitri felt his heartbeat pick up it's rate at the sound of his brother's soft whisper. He peeked up from the book he'd been hiding behind for the past half hour and glanced over at Jim who was leaning casually towards the door with a sweet smile on his face. Dimitri felt his cheeks flush as he remembered the kiss and wished that the ground beneath him would just devour him.

What was he suppose to say if Jim would try to bring it up?

"Hi Jim, eh, what are you doing here?", Dimitri asked as he tried to keep the nervousness away from his voice.

"Well, trying to figure out why you've been avoiding me?", Jim replied with a little shrug, surprised with his straightforwardness.

It had become a severe problem lately.

"Avoiding you? I haven't been avoiding you, I've just had a lot to do lately"

"Like reading?", Jim asked as he nodded towards the book in his brother's hand with an amused smirk.

"Yes, exactly", Dimitri said, even though he hadn't paid attention to the book at all.

"I can see that… Since you're reading it upside down!", Jim replied as he burst out giggling.

"What? Oh…", Dimitri gave out a little embarrassed laugher as he quickly put back the book in one of the shelves behind him.

Jim bounced down in the couch next to his brother and giggled at him.

"So, what was it about?", he grinned teasingly and Dimitri sent him a sideways glance and played along with a smirk;

"It was about an annoying little brother being a pain in his big brother's ass"

"Geez, again? You never read anything else, you must be obsessed with me!"

"Yeah yeah, you keep dreaming", Dimitri smiled, but was quickly distracted by the way Jim was carefully biting his lower-lip.

He tried to break the gaze but Jim's lips and the way he was biting them were so hypnotizing.

"Jim, I…", Dimitri started as he felt Jim inch himself closer.

"Yes?"

"I…"

With his heart pounding in his chest and his breath caught in his throat Jim waited for Dimitri to continue. They were that dangerously close again but still so far away from one another. It felt like he was in one of those perfect build-up moments in the movies right before the couple would kiss each other. And just like he'd predicted and hoped for, Dimitri followed him and leaned closer and closer… Jim felt his brother's soft lips brush his own for like a millisecond before Dimitri pulled away.

"I'm sorry", Dimitri mumbled as he looked down at his hands.

Jim felt his heart shrink of anxiety in his chest. Wait, this wasn't how the movie was supposed to continue, was it?

"W-Why?"

Dimitri finally looked up again and his lovely green eyes were reflecting all the agonized and confused emotions which also turmoiled inside Jim.

"You know why", he said as he smiled sadly.

Jim exhaled sharply as he clenched his teeth in frustration. He was so torn; a part of him wanted to hear Dimitri say it out loud and a part of him was terrified of what he then might hear.

Less than ten minutes ago they'd been cracking carefree jokes about Dimitri being into him, but now when he actually tried to confront his brother, there was no joking around. The graveness in the room was slowly suffocating him and a horrible thought that maybe this was all just a joke and nothing more cut painfully through his already aching heart like a sharp blade.

"Okay fine then", he replied as he got up from the couch and started heading towards the door.

He almost didn't recognize his own voice sounding so cold and empty.

"Jim please-", Dimitri began as he grabbed Jim by his sleeve, but he was so shocked by Jim's angry expression when he turned around and jerked his hand off his arm that he couldn't bring himself to continue.

Jim had always had quite the temper which Dimitri had seen many times during their childhood, and sure, they'd had their fights from time to time like all normal siblings, but he'd never seen Jim this angry.

At least not with him.

Jim continued marching out the door; he had no idea where he was heading but frankly he didn't care. He just wanted to get away from here. Away from Dimitri.

However when he opened the door he saw that a carriage had arrived and there was miss Katherine of all people.

_Oh great._

Around her long, white neck sparkled shining diamonds and her dark hair curled itself against the back of her elegant cornflower blue dress. Even Jim had to admit to himself that she was indeed beautiful.

But she was also an annoying, clingy bubblehead who spoke way too fast with an annoying high-pitched tone of voice that used to drive him insane.

_And let's not forget the pumpkin nickname…_

Still, her face shone up in such happiness to see him that Jim couldn't help but feel a sting of guilt for not having been nicer towards her and so he put on his poker face and forced himself to at least try to act like a gentleman.

"Miss Katherine, what a lovely surprise", he greeted politely as he kissed her gloved hand, even though it felt more like the words coming out of his mouth belonged to someone else.

"Surprise? Aw, aren't you funny", Katherine giggled with blushing cheeks. "Don't tell me you forgot?"

"Forgot what?", Jim mumbled as he shifted his weight uncomfortably.

He didn't know what was going on, nor did he like where he suspected this conversation might be heading.

"Your brother didn't tell you?", Katherine asked in surprise as she furrowed her eyebrows.

"Tell me what?", Jim demanded as he spun around to face Dimitri who was standing at the other end of the hall with his hands in his pockets.

"I asked if you were free this afternoon, thought we could go out", Katherine said as she put a hand on Jim's arm and smiled.

Jim looked down at her hand upon his arm but then glanced back at his brother through the corner of his eye to see Dimitri's reaction to this.

"I guess it just slipped my mind", Dimitri replied flatly, even though it was a lie; he clearly remembered his conversation with Katherine from earlier today.

He knew he should've told Jim, but things had been so weird between them lately. Still, that wasn't the main reason why he'd kept silent. The main reason was because he couldn't stand the thought of Jim with anyone else. He didn't know how or when things had gotten like this. Was it because of the kiss or had his difficulties with letting Jim go been one of many signs that it always had been like that? Dimitri didn't know what to believe.

"Well, do you?", Katherine asked, her dark eyes sparkling hopefully like a child's on Christmas Eve.

Jim was still only looking at Dimitri, hoping that his brother would cut in and plead him to stay. But Dimitri didn't say anything; he just looked down at the floor silently and so the hope in Jim's heart was exchanged with bitterness instead.

"Yes, I would love to, beautiful", he replied, firing away his most charming smile as he took Katherine's hand and squeezed it slightly.

Katherine gave out a little squeak of happiness before pressing a smacking kiss upon Jim's cheek, making him flinch in shock, but he quickly covered it up with a strained smile.

Dimitri felt an unwelcome pang of jealousy at the sight of Jim and Katherine together like this and turned around to leave.

_He's just trying to make me jealous. He's not really into her… is he?_, Dimitri thought to himself as he sat down with his book in the couch once again while watching his little brother heading upstairs to change.

"I can't believe you never told me how incredibly charming and cute your brother is I mean did you see the way he was looking at me? Aw I can't believe I haven't had the opportunity to go out with him sooner do you think he'll like this dress? I tried to match his eyes with it and-"

_Where does she get all that air from? I can't believe Jim's gonna spend the rest of the evening with her; she just arrived and I'm already tired of her cackling_.

Dimitri hunched deeper down into the couch in the hopes of making himself as invisible and small as possible. He tried to concentrate on the book once again but Katherine's endless enthusiasm and questions about Jim made it impossible. But the worst of it was to know that this was the way it was supposed to be, this was right. She could show and tell the whole wide world about her affections for Jim and no one would tell her it was wrong. She owned a right to love him in a way Dimitri never would own.

_I'm gonna go up there… And tell him to stay, tell him that I'm sorry and that I…_

Dimitri put down the book, got up from the couch and quickly excused himself before walking upstairs with his heart in his mouth. This is it.

It felt so strange to knock on Jim's door like some stranger, instead of just heading right in like he'd used to. His brother had actually managed to get himself inside a white suit all by himself and he'd even made sure to comb his hair. He looked so incredibly dashing that Dimitri forgot to breathe.

"What do you want?", Jim asked coldly, the temperature in his voice dropping by several degrees when he realized it was Dimitri.

Dimitri took a deep breath, preparing himself for telling Jim the truth.

_I'm so sorry Jim for pushing you away… I know I don't deserve it, but please don't leave with her… Because I…_

"I guess I wanted to wish you good luck", he mumbled as he looked away.

_Good luck. Wow._

"Thanks", Jim replied before walking past his brother out the room.

Hopefully this date would make him forget about Dimitri. Maybe in some miraculous way he could learn to transfer his feelings for his brother onto Katherine.


End file.
